Kurtis Robert Cleaver

In Loving Memory....

Kurtis R. Cleaver

R.I.P

"It's the end of another year and so many thoughts go
swirling through our minds.  For many, it has been a
difficult year - job loss, loss of friends, loss of a home,
loss of health, and possibly one of the most lasting
losses of all - the loss of a child.  For some there will
be no celebration at the end of the year - only a lot
of tears for those dreams that were stolen away so
unexpectedly.
How does a person move on?  How can a person move
into the New Year with joy when so much sorrow
surrounds the heart?  It's not easy, but it helps to
remind yourself often that you are never, ever alone in
your pain.  There are times when we feel alone, but the
truth is that we are surrounded by hope and it is there
for us whenever we call out for help.
Look at nature in any season and be reminded of the
One who is in charge.   Look at the majesty of the
starry sky at night and know that you are counted among
the stars.  Listen to the sounds of the wind rustling through
the trees and hear the whisper of God letting you know He
is by your side.  Look for the rainbow painting the sky
and be assured that you have not been forgotten.  Remind
yourself often that hope is stronger than your pain!" -C. Hinton

"For every tear you cry, there is a seed of hope being watered."

--Clara Hinton

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me."  --Psalm 61:a 

---------------
Clara Hinton

Dear Aunt Sioux,
It's really hard for me to write you because for a long time I've been scared that you are going be mad at me.  I miss you so much.  I'm not sure if I have ever told you this but you have always been very important to me.  And that is why I've been so scared that you will be mad at me.  There was a time when you were the best part of my life and I have no way to thank you for that.  I know you remember when you and Dennis lived just a couple blocks from us and I used to come over all the time.  You were my haven, I knew I could go to you anytime and you would always let me in.  As long as I was with you everything was ok, I wasn't alone, or being hit, or called names and I knew you let me in.  That's what made me feel so safe, I knew you were there and knew you would never turn me away.  I have no idea how to express how important that was but at that point you were all I had.  For three and half years I've been terrified that I had lost you and that my daughter would never get to feel your love.  I'm going to sit here and cry and tell you this story because it is so important.  I was I labor when Jamie reminded me that it was the first anniversary of the day we lost Kurt and in that moment I knew there was a connection.  God never takes away with out giving something back.  In that same moment my heart broke at the unfairness, I was being given my child one year to the day of you losing yours.  How was I ever going to explain to you or anyone else that for some reason their lives were connected.  All I had was a feeling that there was a reason, and the fear that you would be mad at me for the unfairness.  Several hours later I was told that I had to have an emergency C-section.  Her heartbeat was dropping, she was in distress, and they suspected that she had passed meconium (that first gooey black poo).  I don't remember but both my mom and husband have told me that I was told that without one the baby was going to die.  My C-section was very fast, seemingly in seconds they told me it was a girl.  What they didn't do was show her to me and what I didn't hear was her crying.  For what seemed like a really long time the room was silent.  It was also filled with the presence of an angel.  Finally her newborn cry rang out, she was shown to me briefly (although all I could see was the top of her head) and she was taken to the NICU.  I was taken to recovery where I proceeded to hear harps, see bright lights and forget to breath (seems morphine and me don't mix well).  I spend two days torturing the nurses, I wanted my baby and I wanted her right then!  I was in the NICU going down the list of things I did not understand, why she was there, why she was hooked up to monitors, why they had the feeding tube up her nose, why she had a saline lock in her hand, why they just wouldn't give her to me, when her nurse that shift looked at me and said...No one has told you have they?  She then sat me down and explained.  When the C-section was being done Riannon swallowed some of my blood and meconium which sent her into shock and caused her heart to stop and she had the worst case of meconium staining they had ever seen.  The silence when she was born was because she had to be fully resuscitated.  Most meconium stained babies end up with pneumonia and spent up to two weeks on a respirator.  She was what they call post mature and they guessed that she was two weeks late, the placenta had started to fail and deprive her of nutrients and oxygen.  It was black not the healthy rainbow colored it should have been, she had the feeding tube because she had to eat and they couldn't wait for her to learn to suck hard enough to nurse because she couldn't afford the normal newborn weight loss. Although she was tiny (less than 6 lbs) her heart has beaten strong and normal ever since and she had no respiratory problems.  The nurse left me sitting there holding my tiny baby thinking about what I had just learned and I figured out the connection.  Kurt was in the room the night she was born, he was the angel I felt.  It had to be him, I had known they were linked before I knew she needed her angel.  All I could do was thank God for sending an angel to keep her safe and Kurt for being the one that did it.  Riannon is three and a half now, healthy and smart.  No one can look at her and see how tiny she was or how many obstacles she overcame in her first week, her first minutes.  I can't look at my little girl and not remember that she has the most incredible angel watching her.  She is independent and fearless and I know he has come to hold her hand and keep her safe, there is no other explanation for the things she does sometimes.  The first time she snuck out of the house (at barely 2) he helped her cross the street and pushed her on the neighbors swing set until we found her, she can't get herself started but that day she was swinging all alone.  When she got lost in the dark snake exhibit at the zoo he lead the to the exit and made her wait by the door where her daddy found her just standing there waiting for one of us.  And last week when she decided to go look for her missing puppy he made her stay on our side of the icy street and far from the rail road tracks.  To some all this may seem to be luck or coincidence but to me it is proof that someone watches her.  There isn't a day that I don't think of Kurt or miss him.  I will never forget him and thank God that He chose him to watch my baby.  None of this has lessened the feeling of unfairness a bit and I would much rather have Kurt with us than have him as angel. 
I hope that this has made sense to you and perhaps offered you some comfort knowing that Kurt will forever live in my heart and that he continues to touch the lives of his family.  He'll always be my cousin and you'll always be my aunt.  Family is more about love than blood.
I love you and miss you very much.
Rebecca
 

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I am so sorry for your loss, My heart aches for you. I lost my 26 year old son in May of 2004. We will always remember the children that we have lost and we cry for each other. We will some day see our loved one in Gods loving arms.

 

He is a handsome young man.

DEAR SUSAN,

WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I THINK OF YOU AND YOUR SWEET KURTIS, EVERY DAY. YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS ALWAYS, AS WE TRAVEL THIS DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL JOURNEY. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!

Hello Susan; I came across your precious angels website by mistake, although now i think it was ment to be. You have done a wonderful job such a touching tribute to your son, i can see how much he is loved and missed by you. Kurtis would be so very proud of you. He is such a handsome young man with the most amazing smile. I to lost my own son Troy only four months ago, i understand the pain of loosing someone so precious so young and so sudden its just not fair. I wish that there was something I could say to ease your heartache, i only pray that you find some comfort knowing that others care and remember your sweet angel. This wedsite has been my life line with so many wonderful people and so much support. Just remember Susan that you are not alone as on this site we all grieve together. ~ Edwina http://troy-mitchell.last-memories.com./

susan, i know the time is drawning near of the anniversary of the day kurt , received his reward and went to be with his LORD so i just wanted you to know my thought and prayers are with you. i can't even imagine the sights our sons are seeing. we are stilling grieving for us.  they are rejoicing it's just hard for us to do the same as we miss them so. i'm aware of the longing we have in our hearts just to touch them, see them and yes even smell the puppy dog smells that boys seems to have after the are out side for any amount of time. our sons was young men but i know matthew could smell like that ofter after staying outside working. susan i can't know what your thoughts are or your life but just know i'm praying for you. you have my address or just e-mail my sister karen if you would like to talk to me, or just laugh at some thing you remember about kurt., i love talking about matthew, i hope you like to talk about kurt it helps me to feel close to matthew, he was and is my most precious gift from GOD.

Thank you so much for this beautiful graphic Pammy. God Bless You.
Please check out Pammy and her angel Benjamin

http://mylovingtribute.ning.com/profile/Pammy

 

 

To our Handsome Kurt and Susan..Sending you Easter Blessing and Love., You are always in my thoughts,.. ^i^..^i^

I hope you have a blessed Easter Kurt.  I know Matthew and Justin are there with you and you guys are buddys. Watch after Your wonderful Mothers. Love Karen ^i^.

                 Have a Blessed Easter!!

i am so sorry for your loss. i wish no one had to go through this. we are now in a group of mother and father that we never enlisted for , that we thought only happened to other people, but now we are there.  if there is one thing i could say that woud make your pain go away i would. but i know there isn't.  i would like to thank you for all of the beautiful pictures that you have put on my sons site. they have been a blessing to my daughters and me.  i am just now learning how to even get on a computer so that is why i havenot thanked to before.  even this act of kindness have gave comfort to our family.  GOD  really can be the only true comfort but having people like you adds a special smile to my face.  i hope in time i will be able to give your familly the same.  this is all new to me .  and to be honest i donot know how to handle it all.  please know i will be praying for you.  your son is a handsome young man.  God bless you.

Susan I have been thinking so much about you. Please don't think I don't want to talk I can't even leave my hose to go places with my family. My sister and Mother tried to get me to go shopping today, I refused. I feel like I should punish myself for not protecting my child. I think I am just waiting to die, and if I cut myself off from the world it will happen sooner, I don't want to feel happiness ever again, my life is empty without her

A Tribute from a loving Mother (Susan) to her Son.

Remembering you Kurt.

There's a special place within my heart
That only you can fill.
For you had my love right from the start
And I know you always will.

Happy Valentine's Day

I said, “God, I hurt.”
And God said,
“I know”.

I said, “God, I cry a lot.”
And God said,
“That is why I gave you tears.”

I said, “God, I am so depressed.”
And God said,
“That is why I gave you sunshine.”

I said, “God, life is so hard.”
And God said,
“That is why I gave you loved ones.”

I said, “God, my loved one died.”
And God said,
“So did mine.”

I said, “God, it is such a loss.”
And God said,
“I saw mine nailed to a cross.”

I said, “God, but your loved one lives.”
And God said,
“So does yours.”

I said, “God, where are they now?”
And God said,
“Mine is on my right and yours is in the Light.”

I said, “God it hurts.”
And God said,
“I know.”

FOR YOU MY DEAR EARTH ANGEL SUSAN

I am so sorry. It is sad when are kids are taken at such a young age with so much life ahead of them. My thought and prayer are with you.

matthew-wrenn.last-memories.com

justin-janes.last-memories.com

Hi Susan,

 

I read your touching tribute to your handsome son and felt the need to send you a condolence. There is absolutely no pain comparable to the loss of a child and we, who have suffered through this loss, somehow carry a bond.  So sad that we come together through such devastation and pain, but I will assure you, you will meet so many kind people who really do care about you on this site as well as the forum provided by Last-memories. 

 

Our son died on July 16th, 2005 secondary to massive head trauma received in an auto accident four days earlier.  Not one day ever passes that I don't think of him and miss him with so intently.  I know your pain and I am so, so very sorry for your loss.

 

Please visit Andrew at http://andrew-collins.last-memories.com

 

Prayers to you..........Debi Collins

I saw the picture of your beautiful son and the things you wrote about him. He sounded like he had a lot of the same wonderful qualities of my daughter. I have never understood who God chooses the best to take at a young age. Maybe we can both ask him someday. I know Brittney is with Kurt right now looking down on both of us. She had such a kind heart. She has been gone 2 years and exactly six months today. I wish I could tell you the pain get less but it does not. I never knew the true meaning of loss or a broken heart until I lost my child. I know you feel like no one else can understand and that no one in this world could love their child the way you loved yours. I know that was how I felt. I always had sadness for those who had losses but I never quite understood the magnitude of that loss until it happened to me. I felt that no one could ever hurt as bad as I was hurting, I have found however, that anyone who losses a child has that feeling. I know you will understand when I say your heart is actually broken, it physically feels broken. I wish there were some magical words someone could say to us all who have gone through this but I'm sure there are none. It is a burden we will carry until we see them again. God Bless you and your family and remember they are in paradise.   www.brittney-shoap.last-memories.com